Design Patterns (noun)

/dɪˈzaɪn ˈpætənz/

Definition

A set of sacred architectural scriptures passed down from the elders of the Gang of Four. Ostensibly created to solve recurring problems, but now primarily used to justify overcomplication and demonstrate one’s fluency in abstract nouns.

Common Manifestations

  • Engineers insisting that a three-line function needs a Factory, a Singleton, and divine intervention.
  • Code reviews containing the phrase “technically correct, but not idiomatic.”
  • Teams arguing whether the current mess is “anti-pattern” or “innovation.”
  • Every junior developer eventually reinventing the Strategy pattern by accident.
  • Slide decks titled “Pattern-Driven Architecture for Pattern’s Sake.”

Usage Example

“It used to be a simple script, but after applying five design patterns, it’s now an enterprise-grade mess.”

HR Guidance

Design Patterns foster communication, consistency, and a false sense of mastery.
Encourage their use to maintain the illusion of structure — and to ensure that no two engineers ever agree on the correct implementation.
If conflicts arise, remind teams that “patterns are guidelines, not gospel,” then quietly promote whoever says it most confidently.